So it's been awhile since I posted. So I figured I'd make a
post. Well we finished the Twilight fanfic turned erotic (I use this word lightly
for reasons I'll explain later) bestseller, fifty shades of gray. We did not
attempt to read the two other books in the trilogy. The origins of the book
have caused some discussion and controversy. For those of you who don't know
the books came from a twilight fanfic entitled Master of the Universe, sadly it
was not a cross over with He-man. Now despite the author claiming otherwise
even a blind vulture on LSD could see that the only thing she did was change
the name of characters. Now fanfiction has been around for a while, and we've
all read some pretty bad ones in our time. But last I checked nobody was making
money off them. So should E. L. James be getting sued by Stephanie Meyer? I
don't know I'm not a lawyer. And unless some kind of legal action makes its way
to the courts this question won't have a definitive answer. But bear with me
here. What if we are now entering a time where it is now acceptable to profit
from other writers’ characters and situations without seeking permission? And
does this end at just literature? What about movies, TV shows, plays, or video
games? Now this destruction of intellectual property might sound frightening at
first, but think of the possibilities. We could redo the Star Wars prequels. We
could take midi-chlorians, the gungans, the plot holes, and all that other shit
and dump it on Lucas' lawn. Just think about it, that's all.
Anyway, on to the book itself. Like I said it's still a
Twilight fanfic. It’s a straightforward tale of Girl-with-low-self-esteem who
meets a ridiculously handsome Boy, gets Boy, has lots of sex, angsts, cries a
lot, and is annoying to read. Partially because of that low self-esteem thing.
In fact the book opens up with the protagonist complaining about her flaws
while looking in the mirror. “I’m too pale, too skinny, too scruffy,
uncoordinated, my eyes are too big, they're too blue, blah blah". Also
just like twilight female protagonist the one in this book is a virgin. Not
only that she's kiss less virgin who's never held hands with anyone before. Now
before you go chanting "one of us" I should tell you she has also
never masturbated or even experienced sexual arousal before. Also she's a
moron. She's amazed at the concept of emails, signs a contract without even
reading it, and is shocked that there are helicopter pads in the middle of a
city.
Gray is portrayed as a cold-hearted sexual predator who's
particular erotic style has developed because he is psychologically
"sick". Stereotypes abound. Frankly though, in BDSM terms, Grey is
incompetent. Even I, a guy whose sexual actions are only slightly left of
vanilla, know that his use of cable ties is a very bad idea, as they could
cause nerve damage or scaring. Soft but thick is the best way to go in the rope
department. His choice in the female protagonist is also shit because only an
idiot would have a virgin sign a sex contract filled with things like anal fisting,
fire, electricity, and some things I had to actually look up.
Yet despite this we never get to see any of that stuff.
Nope. All Gray gets busy with is a fur mitt, riding crop, restraints and
pleasure beads, there’s nothing that will be particularly shocking to anyone
but the virginal heroine, Anastasia, who is outraged when he asks if she's on
birth control. Also the author is just bad at writing, so that was a turn off
too.
In conclusion it sucked, the only saving grace was that I
read my parts in the voice of the greatest republican president of the 20th
century, Richard Nixon. Ching Chong's face when she heard things like “my inner
goddess is doing the dance of seven veils” or “my inner goddess is contently
sitting in lotus position” or “my inner goddess is writhing…” in tricky dicks
voice.
Moving on from that crime against literature though.
Ching Chong caught a stomach virus recently. She woke before
me like usually but on;y made it out to the couch before grabbing the nearest
trashcan and preceding to vomit. I eventually woke up and saw the sight of her
hunched over the garbage can, while telling me to look away. Because apparently
she thought I'd be grossed out or something because vomiting isn't ladylike or
something. I don't know. Anyways I help walk back to the bed and tell her she
needs to rest. It took a bit of convincing to get her to do so though. So I go
and get some over the counter medicine to try and sooth her stomach. All those
chew-able tablets did was make her bile pink. Anyways I asked her what she
wanted for breakfast, I was thinking of making her some kind of soup or
something since she was sick. Well, Ching Chong didn't want that. No, she
wanted French toast, with maple syrup and powdered sugar. Somehow she managed
to keep it down. Then afterwards she wanted me to read her a story. So I took
out my kindle and asked her what kind of story she wanted. She said Star Wars;
sometimes I think she's obsessed with that space opera. Anyways I pulled up my
legally purchased copy of Vector Prime and started reading it. We spent the
rest of the day like that. At the point when I got to Chewbacca being killed by
Serpindal's moon. Tears went down her face.
Ching Chong and I starting classes. We managed to sign up
for a biology class together. I'm hoping I can get her to make a friend in the
class. Or at least talk to people. Don't have a whole lot of hope for that.
I'll write a post on that if any success comes from it. Originally I was going to tell her that she needed to make friends so she could have a maid of honor, but then I realized that would have been retarded. I don't know, any suggestions on how to get Ching Chong friends would be appreciated.
