A New Hope

So it's been awhile since I posted. So I figured I'd make a post. Well we finished the Twilight fanfic turned erotic (I use this word lightly for reasons I'll explain later) bestseller, fifty shades of gray. We did not attempt to read the two other books in the trilogy. The origins of the book have caused some discussion and controversy. For those of you who don't know the books came from a twilight fanfic entitled Master of the Universe, sadly it was not a cross over with He-man. Now despite the author claiming otherwise even a blind vulture on LSD could see that the only thing she did was change the name of characters. Now fanfiction has been around for a while, and we've all read some pretty bad ones in our time. But last I checked nobody was making money off them. So should E. L. James be getting sued by Stephanie Meyer? I don't know I'm not a lawyer. And unless some kind of legal action makes its way to the courts this question won't have a definitive answer. But bear with me here. What if we are now entering a time where it is now acceptable to profit from other writers’ characters and situations without seeking permission? And does this end at just literature? What about movies, TV shows, plays, or video games? Now this destruction of intellectual property might sound frightening at first, but think of the possibilities. We could redo the Star Wars prequels. We could take midi-chlorians, the gungans, the plot holes, and all that other shit and dump it on Lucas' lawn. Just think about it, that's all.

Anyway, on to the book itself. Like I said it's still a Twilight fanfic. It’s a straightforward tale of Girl-with-low-self-esteem who meets a ridiculously handsome Boy, gets Boy, has lots of sex, angsts, cries a lot, and is annoying to read. Partially because of that low self-esteem thing. In fact the book opens up with the protagonist complaining about her flaws while looking in the mirror. “I’m too pale, too skinny, too scruffy, uncoordinated, my eyes are too big, they're too blue, blah blah". Also just like twilight female protagonist the one in this book is a virgin. Not only that she's kiss less virgin who's never held hands with anyone before. Now before you go chanting "one of us" I should tell you she has also never masturbated or even experienced sexual arousal before. Also she's a moron. She's amazed at the concept of emails, signs a contract without even reading it, and is shocked that there are helicopter pads in the middle of a city.

Gray is portrayed as a cold-hearted sexual predator who's particular erotic style has developed because he is psychologically "sick". Stereotypes abound. Frankly though, in BDSM terms, Grey is incompetent. Even I, a guy whose sexual actions are only slightly left of vanilla, know that his use of cable ties is a very bad idea, as they could cause nerve damage or scaring. Soft but thick is the best way to go in the rope department. His choice in the female protagonist is also shit because only an idiot would have a virgin sign a sex contract filled with things like anal fisting, fire, electricity, and some things I had to actually look up.

Yet despite this we never get to see any of that stuff. Nope. All Gray gets busy with is a fur mitt, riding crop, restraints and pleasure beads, there’s nothing that will be particularly shocking to anyone but the virginal heroine, Anastasia, who is outraged when he asks if she's on birth control. Also the author is just bad at writing, so that was a turn off too.

In conclusion it sucked, the only saving grace was that I read my parts in the voice of the greatest republican president of the 20th century, Richard Nixon. Ching Chong's face when she heard things like “my inner goddess is doing the dance of seven veils” or “my inner goddess is contently sitting in lotus position” or “my inner goddess is writhing…” in tricky dicks voice. 

Moving on from that crime against literature though.

Ching Chong caught a stomach virus recently. She woke before me like usually but on;y made it out to the couch before grabbing the nearest trashcan and preceding to vomit. I eventually woke up and saw the sight of her hunched over the garbage can, while telling me to look away. Because apparently she thought I'd be grossed out or something because vomiting isn't ladylike or something. I don't know. Anyways I help walk back to the bed and tell her she needs to rest. It took a bit of convincing to get her to do so though. So I go and get some over the counter medicine to try and sooth her stomach. All those chew-able tablets did was make her bile pink. Anyways I asked her what she wanted for breakfast, I was thinking of making her some kind of soup or something since she was sick. Well, Ching Chong didn't want that. No, she wanted French toast, with maple syrup and powdered sugar. Somehow she managed to keep it down. Then afterwards she wanted me to read her a story. So I took out my kindle and asked her what kind of story she wanted. She said Star Wars; sometimes I think she's obsessed with that space opera. Anyways I pulled up my legally purchased copy of Vector Prime and started reading it. We spent the rest of the day like that. At the point when I got to Chewbacca being killed by Serpindal's moon. Tears went down her face. 

Ching Chong and I starting classes. We managed to sign up for a biology class together. I'm hoping I can get her to make a friend in the class. Or at least talk to people. Don't have a whole lot of hope for that. I'll write a post on that if any success comes from it. Originally I was going to tell her that she needed to make friends so she could have a maid of honor, but then I realized that would have been retarded. I don't know, any suggestions on how to get Ching Chong friends would be appreciated.